What hurts the most??

That's a great question......pretty much everything hurts!

On Sunday October 27th I worked 7am to 7pm. It was a long, busy, difficult day. Scotty & Sydney had been out trunk or treating & I may have been a little bit jealous ;) I know that I couldn't wait to go home.
So my relief came in around 1845. I stopped in the back office and joked around with 2 of my Sergeants and left. It was 1856 when I pulled out. My Sgt was standing in the parking lot waving & the last thing he said was "have a nice break".
I was riding a long listening to Luke Bryan when I saw the deer.
At 19:06 , ten minutes later, my coworkers starting getting the 911 calls for the wreck. A female laying in the middle of the road. Her vehicle had rolled over multiple times. She was unconscious & not talking.

In my hurry to get home I forgot the one thing I never do.....my seatbelt. I was found 200 feet from my car!  I broke 16 bones in 27 places.

I had a traumatic brain injury, a lacerated liver, a lacerated kidney,  a bruised spleen,  ruptured adrenal glands.

I broke my shoulder blade in two. I shattered my right forearm (ulna). I broke every single rib on my right side which caused a collapsed lung. I broke one rib on the left directly over my heart-thankfully it bent forward not backwards.  I fractured my neck at the c1 which is known as the "widow maker". 2 centimeters to the left and I'd have died instantly.  I broke my back at the t5. 99% of people who do that never walk again. I broke & dislocated my left thumb.  I broke my pelvis on the left side.

I was flown to Roanoke immediately, after being taken to the local hospital by ground.

I don't remember anything after seeing the deer . I can still see her!

I was hospitalized for 29 days. I have talked to everyone on scene.  They're friends and colleagues.  I was combative on scene thanks to the brain injury. Which is embarrassing. A lot of it was embarrassing. But, I'm alive and at first they were not sure I would stay that way.

I only ended up having 3 surgeries. The brain, kidney, liver & spleen injuries dissipated on their own Praise the Lord!

My right arm was repaired with a large titanium plate and 6 screws. My left thumb was put back together but no longer works. My spine was fused and repaired with 4 titanium rods and 8 screws.

I can walk. Again praise the Lord!! They wanted me to fill out the paperwork to be put on disability but I asked the Dr to let me try going back before writing me off.

I'm still in physical therapy. But, after 5 months I did go back to work.

I hurt so much. Pretty much constantly.  I'm still having issues. I will ALWAYS have issues. I will ALWAYS have pain. It sucks. It's hard to deal with.  I have nightmares. I can't remember but I can't forget. I am just now starting to drive again. Out of necessity not because I want to. It frankly scares me to pieces.

but I'm alive!! The Dr's call me a miracle. They say there's no medical reason I should be here. But, God knows what His reasons are.

I am blessed. I am thankful. Thankful to still be Sydneys mother. Thankful I didn't hurt anyone else. Thankful Scotty wasn't working the ambulance that day. When I am hurting, when I want to give up I try to remember all the things I have to be thankful for.  Try to remember how far I've come not how far I've still got to go...........

Saturday,Saturday,Saturday

We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

It's Saturday like I mentioned, I have pnuemonia, Sydney has the flu and I'm working. I wish I could be with her. But Scotty is and that's good. Just when your baby is sick you want to be there.

So the quote at the top kind of sums up how I feel about work lately. Nobody cares what I do, until I don't do it ya know?

So here are some things that fit my way of thinking at the moment:

Also I FINALLY figured out how to fix the spacing problems I was having YAYAYAY!! I guess I really should pay attention to those freaking tutorial help pop ups that tell you how to use the "new Improved" blogger. Oops. Guess I'll know for next time.

Also I got my package from Dina over at There's No Place Like Home. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!! Will be posting pictures soon. With all our sickness issues I haven't had time. Let me tell you though it sure did brighten up a crappy Valentines Day! So Dina if you are reading..THANK YOU!!

Have a great Saturday y'all!! Don't do anything you wouldn't want to have to explain to me on the phone.

What I learned this week....

I figured I would link up with Julie over at From Inmates to Playdates for What I learned this week. It's hard to sit down and think about what you actually learned in a week. Because honestly you kind of do learn something new each day.

First I was reminded of something I already knew..I SUCK AT MATH. Sydney's first grade homework this week in math....was things like Rectangular prisms, vertices,apex, cubes, cones,spheres. Scary words like that. I had absolutely no idea how to answer any of those questions. Like zero. I looked at that piece of paper like a deer in the headlights. Thank goodness Scotty knows his math. So he was able to help. Well she didn't need help. She knew the answers, he just double checked her work. I know english and history. I'm waiting for that homework :)

Second I learned that losing people never gets easier. Since November, we've lost six family members. SIX. My Papa, 2 Uncles, and 3 cousins. I am so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning. My uncle Graham passed away Monday night.

I also learned that you can't make a real quick dinner of hamburger helper if you leave the milk in the car that Scotty took to class that night.

I learned that a missing front tooth in a 6 year old is ADORABLE!! As much as it pains me that she is growing up way to fast. That toothless smile is precious. And hearing her say words like=thistle,whistle,square and Christmas=is good entertainment.

I also learned that winning a giveaway on a blog will make your day!! I really needed a pick me up this week. So when I found out I won Dina's giveaway over at There's No Place Like Home, I just sat in the floor and cried. Sad but true. I cannot wait to get my hands on those beautiful goodies!!! A gorgeous scarf, 2 necklaces, a devotional, some bracelets, an adorable tape measure, a "play" sign, a cute leopard print bag, personalized notecards, and a McDonalds gift card that must be used for Coke :) I will share pictures as soon as I get it...Not that I'm anxious or anything. Have a good week you guys!

Flood

I should be sleeping.

I am on midnight for this week and next. Which plays havoc with my sleeping schedule. It used to be my favorite shift. In some ways it still is. Insofar as I don't have all the admin & dsyshifters in my face. But the sleeping? It sucks.

I left work at 1 since we are taking Sydney to the Shriner circus in the morning. If starts at 10. What kind of circus does that? It better be good is all I'm saying considering we'll be getting up @ 715. I'd just be getting off work for Heavens sake.

I'm up to my @$$ in alligators planning Sydney 's 7th birthday party. I cant believe I just said 7.WOW. Where is my baby? She wanted a hello Kitty party to start with. then decided a pool party would be better. Inside of course since we never know what the weather will be round these parts. Just this week it has been 70 degrees twice, snowed twice, rained so much that it flooded MAJORLY flooded I'll try to remember to post pix. Anyway I have about a billion ideas I just don't know if I'm smart and or crafty enough to pull them off.I'll keep you posted on that.

Well gonna try for round 3 of sleep. I hope both of my readers have a great weekend :)

Life Ain't Always Beautiful

So once again I've not written in forever. Big No shock. Life has been hard around here since August. I know that everyone has issues and scillions of people have it worse than me. But that is hard to remember when your knee deep in grief,heart break and sadness. In July my Papa put up hay just like every other year. He was walking 5-6 miles a day. He was the same as he has been since I've been alive. Then in August he started complaining of severe hip pain. He wouldn't even leave the house because it hurt. Which he has never done. He always gets out on the farm. Always.

His doctor said he needed hip replacement. They couldn't do MRI's because he has replacements in both knees. So on August 24th he went in for hip replacement.

This was taken the day before he went in for surgery.

I'll remember the day he had surgery forever. My Mom, Meme and I were sitting in the waiting room and his doctor came in and told us that they had found a large mass on his femur. It had already eaten a hole through the bone. They decided to go ahead with the replacement and while they were maneuvering the new hip in the femur snapped. So they had to repair that too. Immediately they did a bone scan and found cancer in his:spine. sternum. neck.arm. right hip.

While I'm finding out about all this a very good friend passed away unexpectedly. He trained me when I started at the sheriffs office almost 11 years ago. We were pretty close. The day I found out how severe my Papa's situation was is the day I had to set off my friend's final call on the radio. Not something I ever pictured doing.

They put Papa on a chemo pill and sent him home. This pill didn't make him sick or cause hair loss. We were glad of that because we didn't want him to suffer. Then one morning me Mom called and asked me if I would call Scotty (who was working) to see if he would go over in the ambulance and take Papa to the hospital. They thought he had had a stroke. Turns out he had a heart attack. And was in ICU for a week then moved back to skilled care. He had several bad days.

 On Halloween we went out so he could see Syd in her costume and he didn't know any of us except Sydney. He was pitiful. Shortly after he started getting very confused. Very. He would talk about the times he was a butcher at Kroger. He thought all of us were his employees. The only one he never confused was Sydney.

We all met with the Oncologist who told us that the chemo wasn't helping and he was going to take him off of it. He also stated that the meds were most likely the cause of his confusion. At that time my grandmother told them that since there was no more to be done she wanted to bring him home. So she did. The last day Sydney and I saw him was December 2nd. It was a good day. They had an ice cream party.

That Monday I worked midnight as well as Tuesday. Then left work at 7 am Wednesday and went to 8 hours of class and took Sydney to dance class. Then Thursday had 8 hours of class and took Sydney to the Christmas parade. I spoke to Mom on the way home who told me that the nurse had put Papa on a pain patch even though he hadn't complained of any pain. And that he had slept all day. I hung up the phone and told scotty "Do you think they have made sure he is breathing?" Went home and to bed. I had planned to spend all day Friday over there but. As I was putting Sydney to bed my brother called. (Incidentally it was my brother's birthday) and asked me if I had heard from Mom. I told him no, he said that he'd been talking to her and my Meme had beeped in. She came back on the phone and said "Meme thinks Papa is dead I have to go" I woke Scotty up and sent him over there. I'm not sure why, I think i was under the impression that Scotty as a medic could save him. I totally didn't care about the DNR paperwork that he had in place.

Shortly after Scotty called crying saying that Papa had passed away. He then came home so I could go see him one last time before they took him away. It was pouring rain that night. Which seemed fitting. I have no idea how in the world I got there without wrecking. But I did.

I don't want to say much more about it. I'm not doing well with it not at all. I mean I'm not dumb. My Papa was 84 I knew he wouldn't live forever. I just wasn't ready to say goodbye. I also lost a cousin in October who was my age. Another cousin just before Thanksgiving due to a motorcycle wreck. Then on December 21st my Papa's brother passed away. Uncle Gree. He was so sweet. Going to his funeral was hard. He and my Papa looked so much alike it was like reliving his funeral over again.

Plus the pastor decided to tell eeryone that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny weren't really. There were children there. Including Sydney. NOT COOL. If and when I want my child to know about those things I'll tell her. Thank you very much. Thankfully she was doing math in her head like usual and missed it. My Dad also took her out after the first mention so she didn't hear the rest. The guy went on to tell us that the Sandy Hook shooting happened because those children didn't believe in God. RAGE is what I felt. Uncle Gree's usual pastor was on vacation so they had to find someone. WOW is all I can say. Then 2 days later another cousin passed away due to a sudden heart attack. I am emotionally drained.

And I have had this coughing,bronchitis, fever, sneezing off and on since September. I just can't shake it. Then I found out that I am anemic ALOT anemic. So i've had all kinds of tests but they can't figure out what is wrong. Maybe soon. Love you Papa. Miss you so much!!

Halloween

I thought I would link up with Kelly's Korner Show us Your Life Halloween. For Sydney's first Halloween she was a flower which I cannot find a picture of. We've put all our pics on an external hard drive and I cannot retrieve them this morning. Which makes me sad. I know its on there, just can't find it. For her second halloween she was a skunk. The cutest skunk ever!!

For her 3rd Halloween she decided to be SUPERGIRL. So sweet!!

Her 4th Halloween she was supposed to be Little Red Riding Hood. She had the cutest little costume and a basket full of "goodies" for Grandma. (Fake grapes, plastic bread and cake) However, she was very sick with the flu so we never even tried the costume on. 5th Halloween she was into pirates so there was no other choice.

Last year she chose to be a witch. The costume had lights in it but I don't think I took a picture of it lit. Silly me. She had fallen out of the car and still had that injury which she thought made her look more "witch like" I don't think you can see it in this particular picture though.

This year she went back and forth about what to be. At first she wanted to be a can of Diet Coke. I have no idea why. So I started making that she switched and decided to be a mermaid. I had no idea how to make that and wasn't sure I was crafty enough so we found one online. When we tried it on her,DISASTER. Too long and too tight. She has never had a problem with things being too tight because she is such a shrimp :) So I ordered a different one. Then her aunt gave her a pair of Indian moccasins so she changed her mind once again and decided to be an Indian. I ordered the costume and wig online. I made the bracelet and necklace. And sewed a trick or treat bag that was more fitting to an Indian. Last night was trick or treat night at school, it was cold (thank you Hurricane Sandy). So we added leggings and a long sleeve shirt. Everyone thought she was Pocahontas. She doesn't do Disney movies or Princesses so she had no earthly idea what people were talking about when they asked her if she was Pocahontas. She would say "I am just a plain Native American, thank you."